If I were a social media guru
I’d dispense with the superfluous morning pleasantries
And get on with the business of inspiration
Shouting “Embrace Authenticity!” out of the blue on a Monday morning
Like a demanding dentist, bent over an unflossed mouth.

If I were a social media guru
I’d remind you that I know many, many famous people
And have given speeches pretty much everywhere
That I am the media empire that keeps Oprah up at night
Weeping into Stedman’s arms at the shortsightedness of her vision.

If I were a social media guru
I’d deputize you with my awesomeness
After attending my two hour class
By lowering onto your anointed shoulders a certificate
Of heavy card stock and glittering clip art
Like a sword from the hand of a queen.

If I were a social media guru
I’d vanquish fears with a confidence born from conjecture
And believe that good enough is actually good enough
Not driven by all that there is yet to learn
But by the buck I can make off of what I already know.

If I were a social media guru
I wouldn’t care if you’ve read this far
But instead would just check “write blog post” off my list
And go sell a workshop called “Poetry: The New Content Marketing Trend”
Which people would sign up for in droves
Because I’d pay a famous person to endorse it.

If I were a social media guru
I wouldn’t cringe when people used those words to describe me
Or ever be plagued by doubt and derailed by defeat
Instead I’d move to the intersection of success and selling out
And I’d leave no forwarding address.