Long ago I realized that separating my personal/professional life online, more specifically, on Facebook, would be next to impossible. I made the conscious choice to just let those lines blur. I don’t maintain separate profile pages for my “professional” networks and my “personal” networks. They are one in the same and I manage them with privacy controls and lists.
Among several more personal traits that I sprinkle into my online persona is the fact that I’m a mom. However, while I’m comfortable with the blurring of my professional and personal life, I am incredibly uncomfortable with where that line blurs with respect to my children.
I created a little set of rules for myself that included things like:
I’ll talk about my 2yo and my 5yo online, but never say their names.
I’ll post the occasional holiday or big milestone photo with my entire network, but for the most part, only family gets to access photos.
I’ll never post a picture of someone else’s kid online.
I don’t have entirely clear reasoning behind these “rules,” but it’s what makes me feel comfortable and it has been working for me. But now, I’m realizing that the world around these rules has become very blurry and that I might be too far in to this world to regain the control that I wish I had.
Please, folks…talk me back from the ledge.
What changed in all of this? It’s really a combination of the changes Facebook announced after F8 such as timeline and real-time newsticker combined with the reality that, as my kids get older, they are involved in more activities and more people/organizations are apt to share photos or posts about them on Facebook.
What happens when an extracurricular organization my kids belong to shares pictures of students to their public Facebook Page? (It happened last month.) This photo can be shared, commented on and downloaded by anyone. ANYONE.
I am losing control, and the lack of control concerns me. A lot. And those concerns range in severity, from minor violations of my pre-defined “rules” to that of actually worrying about my kids’ on and offline safety.
My Concern…
Now, with this particular occurrence, I’m not terribly worried about someone stalking, kidnapping or assaulting my children, but as a mom, I can’t ignore the danger of pedophilia and how easy the internet has made it for these criminals to shop for online and offline opportunities to victimize children. The recent trial over the situation that occurred at Penn State remind us that pedophiles will (and do) create elaborate means to having access to children and that bystanders have an obligation to take charge.
- Transferring this to Facebook, public pictures of children can become a shopping mall of potential victims, on and offline.
- There are instances of parents finding their children’s photos being used on Craigslist in adoption scams.
- It’s safe to assume that pedophiles also create their own secret libraries of photos that they pulled from public posts.
- When posted photos can be tied to a particular geographic location, it’s a prime resource for potential abduction.
While I think it’s fair to say that all parents should have these concerns (and if they saw Facebook from the vantage point that I do, probably would), the reality is, most do not. The average, casual Facebook user has a friend network of people they know quite personally, and likely share their kids photos frequently and willingly.
Among these users, there seems to be a level of perceived “trust” in Facebook as a social network:
- It’s not “the Internet” or a public website. It’s a “closed” social group.
- Only my “friends” or, “friends of my friends” can see what I’m doing here.
- Lists? Those things are annoying. I’m not going to bother with them.
- Even if a stranger did see something of mine, what’s the big deal? Why would anyone care about a picture or post about someone they don’t know, anyway?
As an advocate of social media, the last thing I want to do is scare people from it or judge how they choose to use it. But the reality that I study things like privacy issues and am inundated with information about the darker sides of these platforms, so I sit in a bit of an unusual place when it comes to being both a mom and a heavy user of social media.
This brings me back to my dilemma…What do I do? If you’re reading this post, it’s likely that you’ve encountered or at least considered these same concerns. What do you do?
- Was I naive to think I could have some control over personal privacy and that of my children?
- Do I have a responsibility to explain to others (especially organizations to which my kids belong) the implications of posting public photos of children?
- Am I being paranoid about my perceived consequences?
Please, weigh in and share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s discuss.
Kary,
I’m not a parent yet, so I can’t fully relate to your concern (read paranoia 🙂 ), but I think I can weigh in on this.
First, your personal approach to sharing is a good one. If you have concerns, exercise the privacy controls within Facebook. That will help you feel batter about it.
As far as the public photo’s or photo’s posted by groups children are involved with, if they are a school they should be getting permission to post those photos. I’m involved with a Charter School that has a pretty solid Facebook presence and we requested permission from the parents of all children featured in the photos. I’m not sure if there are any laws/rules on this, but I see it as a best practice because you never know of a family’s personal beliefs or domestic situation.
That being said, you may have to take a step back from the ledge on the public photos. If you’re kids are active and involved, they’re going to be in some group photos, they’re going to be posted online, you may not be asked. This is basically the equivalent of having their photo put in the local paper, which can also be purchased by anyone, ANYONE, and there’s no digital trail to track down.
Long story short, you can’t control everything, in the same way that you can’t stop every illness, or cut or scrape, but you have to focus on the big things. If you’re worried about the bad people out there you need to make sure your kids know about stranger danger and who to trust/not trust. Following 2 steps behind them, making them wear a face mask to avoid germs, or chasing down every organization and news paper that posts pictures of them will just leave you exhausted and with a child who has to answer a lot of questions from friends about their crazy parents :). I’m sure there are anecdotes of bad things happening that started with someone finding a photo on Facebook, but I doubt that posting a photo on Facebook to a limited audience will increase your child’s risk by 500%.
Again, I will remind you that I’m not a parent yet, so check back with me in a few years, I may be singing a different tune.
Sorry for the formatting, forgot to close the emphasis. It does make it look more like a handwritten letter though, which based on it’s length, it pretty much is.
Thank you for bringing your non parent, yet education, perspective to the conversation.
I agree – organizations should have a policy, and as with this particular incident, my concern is far more big picture and perhaps wanted to shepherd the organization to better understanding that and not freak out over a simple photo.
You’re right. I’m going to need to learn when to let go a bit and know that ultimately, I’m going to be able to control everything, all of the time. You raise an interesting point that digital is a bit easier to trail than a printed piece. I hadn’t really looked at it from that perspective.
Many thanks again for your thoughts. And yes, I’ll be interested to know where you’re at when the parenthood time comes. 🙂
I’ve been following Jessica Gottlieb for quite a while now. She talks about her kids with their names a lot. However (and here’s the key thing). She’s changed their names to post on her blog. She doesn’t share names of places that they go to only the generalized term.
But on your side, it’s a pain. Is there a way to approach this organization and opt-out of public calling out of their names on the site?
Yes…when you attach name to place, face to name, face to place, etc., the issue does become a bit bigger. Maybe that’s a good way for me to look at it – one of those alone is not quite enough to cause major concern.
And in this instance, there was no name. Not until I attached myself to the picture, anyway. 🙂 This was quite possibly an isolated incident, and I don’t think any harm was done, but yes – it probably would be wise of me to approach the issue, for the sake of the organization and any future implications.
Great thoughts. Thank you for sharing them.
Kary – I have too much to say about this topic via my mobile. Three daughter all very active in sports, 4-H, and community events from elementary school to college National Champ. We choose to dance and teach “street smarts” …this is only a fraction of my thoughts. More to come via email. #awesomemom!
Thanks, Mary.
Yes…teaching kids on and offline street smarts will be so important. And in that regard, I really am grateful to know and be so comfortable with using these tools and knowing how they work.
Would love to hear more of you thoughts on how you’ve danced the dance with your girls.
Thought provoking post Kary. My rules are as follows: I never mention my son by name on Twitter. And I would *never* post any pictures of him where he is naked, in the tub, etc.. In my case, he’s twelve, so those days are long over anyhow! LOL But I have friends who post such pics (full frontal nudes) of their young ones and I shake my head every time I see them. As for purely innocent pics, i.e. clothed (!) I dunno, I fall a bit into the “what are you gonna do” category, by which I mean I can’t protect my son’s image 100% (i.e. camps or school events) but I can control who sees *my* pics. Only friends can access my pics. End of. My boy is growing up. He takes the subway now by himself. He’s ‘online’ (heavily monitored by us!!). I’ve taught him about the potential for creeps and pervs. I think sometimes we can get so freaked out by this whole “instant access to everything” world we live in, that we forget the bigger picture (no pun intended) – WE control our kids for the most part, and it’s up to us to educate them about online sharing etc.. It’s certainly a different world. The only thing *we* ever dealt with was the odd ‘heavy breather’ on the telephone! 🙂
I totally agree and shake my head at several posts I see. Aside from the potential for victimization, I think…someday, this kid is going to grow up and have a FB account themselves, and these pictures and posts are forever “out there.”
Sounds like you’re doing a great job to be open and proactive with your son about all of this. And, that’s one thing I AM grateful for – that I do know how to use these tools quite well and can help and monitor the behavior when the time comes.
Many thanks for weighing in!
To what you said above re: knowing/using the tools: My boy and his pal were working on a marketing project the other day. Story boarding a commercial. Pal says “They lie a lot in advertising, we really shouldn’t do that.” My guy says “Well, we can stretch the truth a ‘little’….!” HAHAHA!! Having worked in TV for years, I’ve been proactive in teaching him about what advertising is all about – maybe a little *too* proactive!! Kids are smart. Your kids will be uber-smart! 🙂
I fought putting pictures of my kids up for several years on Facebook. But then my mother opened an account and since she’s hundreds of miles away, she was able to guilt me into posting. I don’t have professional connections linked there (unless we’re friends as well) and I have the privacy settings as tight as I can get them.
But, like you, I worry about photo theft. I just try really, really hard not to think about it past what I can do to prevent it.
I too share photos in that similar capacity. And, with security controls, figure that they can’t get too far. But yes, as my FB netwrok starts to grow with more online connections (I keep a fairly tight friend network, but have opened the doors to online friends I haven’t actually met in person) it is of concern. And, with the news ticker and other changes, I am starting to feel slightly more “exposed.”
You’re right…accept the things we can deal with and then…the other things we do kinda need to let go of to avoid total paranoia. Kirby’s comments below got me thinking of that.